Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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