i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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