You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
