yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
