foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
