don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
