3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
