Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
