I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
