I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize