Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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