Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
