his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
zippers are such a cool invention
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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