Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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