Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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