she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
