Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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