I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
