I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
