My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize