How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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