ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize