youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Randomize