You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
