so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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