i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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