Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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