I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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