I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
