So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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