There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
