Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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