you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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