Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
