I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
