That's when you crack a 10am beer
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I would ride that face into the sunset
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
