why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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