a queef is a wish your heart makes.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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