they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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