So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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