Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
