the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
