If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The power of my boobs compel you
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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