I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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