whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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