U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
