I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
