What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
