I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
