if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Randomize
