i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
