Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
