just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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