I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
