T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
