shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
