I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
