My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
